Using Empathy in Parenting

By Rob Krupicka, MSW

Leading with Empathy

Research and my personal experience confirm that leading with empathy is one of the most effective ways to support a child during an emotional outburst. Parenting experts, children’s books, and academic research consistently highlight empathy as the cornerstone of effective communication and relationship-building. Yet, for many parents, myself included, the challenge is not understanding the value of empathy—it’s putting it into practice. Catching yourself in the heat of the moment, managing your own frustration, and taking the time to pause and connect can feel overwhelming. But leading with empathy not only defuses conflict in the short term, it also builds long-term trust, emotional resilience, and open communication with your child.

At its core, empathy is about making your child feel seen, heard, and understood. It doesn’t mean removing boundaries, giving in to every demand, or avoiding discipline. Rather, empathy shows your child that you recognize and validate their emotions while helping them understand the limits and expectations they must follow. This process teaches children to identify and regulate their emotions over time. As Dr. Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson emphasize in The Whole-Brain Child, “When we give our children the experience of feeling felt—of being heard and understood—it calms their nervous systems and helps them process their emotions.”

Empathy transforms parent-child interactions, especially during moments of conflict or emotional intensity. When you lead with empathy, you validate your child’s feelings, helping them feel secure and understood. This sense of validation reduces resistance, fosters cooperation, and creates opportunities for connection. Empathy also models emotional regulation, showing your child how to navigate frustration and disappointment with calmness and compassion.

Parenting expert Janet Lansbury, in her book No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame, argues that empathy is particularly powerful because it helps children internalize emotional language and learn to identify their own feelings. This ability to name and process emotions is critical for emotional intelligence and healthy relationships throughout their lives.

Applying empathy in real-time requires mindfulness, self-awareness, and a commitment to prioritize connection over control. Here’s how you can integrate empathy into your parenting:

1. Pause and Manage Your Reaction

Before responding to your child’s outburst, pause and take a deep breath. Remind yourself that their behavior is not personal—it’s a signal of their internal struggle. This moment of self-regulation allows you to approach the situation calmly and effectively.

2. Get Curious

Instead of jumping to conclusions or issuing commands, approach your child with caring curiosity. Ask questions like:

• “What’s going on right now?”

• “Why do you feel this way?”

• “Can you help me understand what’s making this so hard for you?”

These questions show your child that their feelings matter and encourage them to articulate what they’re experiencing.

3. Reflect and Validate Their Feelings

Naming your child’s emotions helps them feel understood and builds their emotional vocabulary. For example:

• “I can see that you’re really frustrated about doing your homework. It seems like it’s a lot to handle right now.”

• “You’re feeling angry because you had to stop playing. That’s hard.”

Dr. Ross Greene, in The Explosive Child, emphasizes that validating emotions doesn’t mean agreeing with every behavior, but it does help children feel heard, which reduces power struggles.

4. Set Boundaries with Empathy

Empathy doesn’t eliminate the need for boundaries. Once your child feels heard, you can gently guide them back to the task at hand. For example:

• “I know this is hard, but homework is something we have to do. Let’s think about how we can make it easier or more fun.”

• “It’s okay to feel upset, but hitting isn’t acceptable. Let’s find another way to let out those big feelings.”

Recommended Books

If you’re looking to deepen your understanding of empathy in parenting, these resources are invaluable:

1. The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson: A practical guide to helping children integrate emotional and logical thinking.

2. No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame by Janet Lansbury: A compassionate approach to setting limits with empathy and respect.

3. The Explosive Child by Ross Greene: A framework for understanding and addressing intense emotional outbursts in children.

Conclusion

Empathy is not always easy, especially in moments of stress or frustration. It requires patience, emotional regulation, and a willingness to pause and connect. However, leading with empathy helps children feel valued and understood, fostering emotional intelligence and strengthening the parent-child bond. While it may take practice and effort, the rewards of raising a child who feels secure, heard, and capable of managing their emotions are immeasurable. As a parent, embracing empathy is one of the greatest gifts you can offer your child.