Understanding Shame and Its Impact on Children: A Guide for Parents

By Leah Young, LMSW

Shame is a powerful and complex emotion that can deeply affect children’s development, relationships, and sense of self. As parents, understanding how shame operates and how to address it can help foster healthier emotional growth and stronger connections with your child. Let’s explore what shame is, how it impacts children, and what you can do to support your child in overcoming it.

What Is Shame?

Shame is often described as a feeling of being small, exposed, or unworthy. It’s not just an emotion—it’s a full-body experience. When children feel shame, they may avoid eye contact, lower their heads, or withdraw from others. This reaction stems from a fear of judgment or rejection, whether real or imagined. Shame can make children feel disconnected from themselves and others, which is why it’s so important to address it early.

How Shame Affects Children

Shame can have long-lasting effects on a child’s emotional and social well-being. Research shows that children who are prone to shame may struggle with self-esteem, empathy, and healthy relationships. They are also more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and even risky behaviors as they grow older. For children with attachment difficulties—those who have experienced loss, neglect, or trauma—shame can become a central part of their identity, making it even harder for them to form secure relationships.

Common Triggers of Shame in Children

Shame often arises when a child feels disconnected from their caregivers or when their sense of self is challenged. Parenting behaviors that can unintentionally trigger shame include:

Criticism or harsh discipline: Focusing on a child’s character (e.g., “You’re bad”) rather than their actions.
Public humiliation: Correcting or disciplining a child in front of others.
Conditional love: Making affection dependent on performance or behavior.
Neglect or overprotection: Either extreme can leave children feeling inadequate or undervalued.

Children with attachment difficulties are especially sensitive to these triggers. Even routine discipline can evoke feelings of shame, leading to withdrawal or defensive behaviors.

How to Help Your Child Navigate Shame

As a parent, you play a crucial role in helping your child process and overcome shame. Here are some strategies to support them:

Create a safe space for emotions: Let your child know it’s okay to feel and express their emotions without fear of judgment. Avoid forcing eye contact or dismissing their feelings, as this can intensify shame.
Focus on connection: When disciplining your child, buffer the experience with empathy. Acknowledge their feelings and reassure them of your love and support.
Model self-compassion: Show your child how to handle mistakes with kindness toward yourself. Laughing at your own missteps can teach them that imperfection is part of being human.
Reframe self-criticism: If your child makes negative comments about themselves, help them see these statements as a desire for connection. For example, “I’m so bad” might really mean, “I want to feel close to you.”
Teach emotional expression: Encourage your child to put their feelings into words rather than acting them out. This helps them process emotions in a healthier way.
Celebrate their strengths: Children with shame often struggle to see their positive qualities. Gently reflect back the strengths you see in them, but don’t push if they dismiss your praise. Over time, this can help them build a more balanced self-image.

The Power of Repair

When shame arises, it’s important to repair the connection with your child. This might mean acknowledging their feelings, offering a hug, or simply being present with them. Repairing these moments helps your child feel seen and valued, which can counteract the isolating effects of shame.

Final Thoughts

Shame is a natural emotion, but it doesn’t have to define your child’s experience. By fostering a safe, empathetic environment and addressing shame with care, you can help your child build resilience and a stronger sense of self. Remember, parenting is a journey, and every step you take toward understanding and connection makes a difference.