By Leah Young, LMSW
Parenting is never easy, but in uncertain times, it can feel like an uphill battle. When the world around us is filled with instability—whether it’s the fear of losing a federal job due to political shifts, the stress of being part of a marginalized community under attack by the current administration, or the general anxiety about what the future holds—it’s natural for parents to feel overwhelmed. How do we help our children navigate these challenges when we’re struggling ourselves?
In The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. (2012), the authors offer practical, neuroscience-based strategies to help parents guide their children through emotional storms and uncertainty. One particularly powerful tool is the "Name It to Tame It" strategy, which helps children regulate their emotions by integrating the left and right sides of their brain. Let’s explore this approach and how it can be combined with memory integration techniques to support your child’s emotional well-being during these difficult times.
The "Name It to Tame It" Strategy: Calming Emotional Storms
When children experience big emotions—fear, sadness, or anger—their right brain (which is more emotional and intuitive) can take over, leading to meltdowns or emotional outbursts. In these moments, the logical, reasoning left brain often takes a backseat. The "Name It to Tame It" strategy helps corral this raging right-brain behavior by engaging the left brain’s affinity for words and storytelling (Siegel & Bryson, 2012).
For example, imagine a child overhears their parents talking about the possibility of losing a federal job due to budget cuts or political decisions. The child might not fully understand the situation but could pick up on the stress and fear in the household. This might manifest as anxiety, clinginess, or even tantrums. In this situation, you could use "Name It to Tame It" by helping your child put their feelings into words. You might say, "I can see you’re feeling worried because you heard us talking about work. It’s okay to feel scared when things feel uncertain. Let’s talk about it together." By naming the emotion and narrating the situation, you help your child activate their left brain, which can bring balance to the emotional chaos of the right brain. This process not only calms their body and mind but also teaches them how to process emotions in a healthy way.
Integrating Memory: Making the Implicit Explicit
Another key concept from The Whole-Brain Child is the importance of integrating implicit and explicit memories. Implicit memories are those we experience without conscious awareness—they can influence our emotions and behavior in ways we don’t fully understand. For example, a child from a marginalized community who has witnessed or experienced discrimination might feel anxious or unsafe in certain situations without fully understanding why. By helping your child make these implicit memories explicit, you can prevent past experiences from affecting them in debilitating ways (Siegel & Bryson, 2012).
For instance, if your child feels scared after hearing about an incident of hate or violence targeting your community, you might say, "I know you’re feeling scared because of what we heard on the news. It’s really hard to hear about people being treated unfairly. Let’s talk about what happened and how we can stay safe." By narrating the event together, you help your child process their feelings and make sense of the experience. This not only reduces their fear but also empowers them to face similar situations in the future with greater resilience.
Practical Tools for Memory Integration
To help your child integrate their memories and process difficult experiences, Siegel and Bryson (2012) suggest two practical techniques:
The Remote of the Mind: After a painful or overwhelming event, your child might be reluctant to talk about it. The "remote of the mind" technique allows them to take control of the narrative. For example, if your child witnessed a protest or heard about a traumatic event affecting your community, you could say, "Let’s imagine we have a remote control. We can pause and talk about what happened, rewind to remember the beginning, or fast-forward to think about what we can do next. You’re in charge of the story." This gives your child a sense of safety and control as they process what happened.
Remember to Remember: Help your child exercise their memory by giving them opportunities to talk about their experiences in a safe and supportive environment. For example, at the dinner table, you might say, "What’s something you remember about today that made you feel happy or proud?" Or, if your family is dealing with uncertainty about the future, you could say, "Let’s talk about a time when we faced something hard and got through it together." These conversations help your child strengthen their ability to process and integrate memories, building resilience for the future.
Building Resilience Through Connection
In times of uncertainty, the most important thing you can do as a parent is to create a sense of safety and connection for your child. Strategies like "Name It to Tame It" and memory integration not only help your child regulate their emotions but also strengthen your bond with them. For example, if your family is worried about the future—whether it’s job security, safety, or broader societal issues—acknowledge those fears openly and honestly. Let your child know that it’s okay to feel scared or uncertain and that you’re there to face these challenges together.
For parents in marginalized communities, this connection is especially critical. When children see their parents modeling resilience and hope, even in the face of adversity, they learn that they, too, can overcome challenges. By using these tools from The Whole-Brain Child, you can help your child navigate emotional storms, process difficult experiences, and build the skills they need to thrive—even in the most uncertain times.
Parenting in today’s world may not come with a roadmap, but with strategies like these, you can guide your child toward a brighter, more balanced future—one where they feel empowered to face life’s challenges with confidence and resilience.
References
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.
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